Dear Diary
by Epiphany Under Moonlight
Summary: You always hurt the one you love. It's a rule made by the gods to show humility. But sometimes sins cannot be forgiven and apologies cannot be accepted. And no one knows that more than the pharoah.
1. It hurts to look in her eyes

Ok this is my first story on FF.net.  
  
Be kind.I worked hard on this and I like it.  
  
Not my best work though.  
  
Even if you don't like it, review, flame me! I like flames...constructive criticism is always good. Thatnks and enjoy.  
  
  
  
I'm scared and miserable and Oh Lord oh so screwed.   
  
God.   
  
Last night, I blew away every promise, every swear, everything, everything and nothing and everything again.   
  
Dear Ra.  
  
But she wasn't supposed to be like that, not so...   
  
I read Dr. Roberts notes over and over again, the man was sick. He deserved to burn in hell, I only wish that I could have been the one to send him there, after years of torturing and mind games and blood and death and insanity, though a man such as he probably would enjoy it.   
  
But God I hate him!   
  
I hate him and hate him and hate him and I curse his mother and his bastard children, and he was right, bastard he was, he was right. All those names that mean nothing to me, all those descriptions. I see them in her, but doesn't she have the right to be angry and volatile and terrified and terrifying...  
  
Impulse control disorder, inability to control one's actions.   
  
Somatoform disorder, loss of senses by mental symptoms.   
  
And so many more.  
  
So when she was angry and yelling and not there and there and really everywhere, and I was lost and scared and confused and worried and I... kissed her.   
  
And she stopped.  
  
Everything.   
  
No screaming, no yelling, no breathing, no moving just so still and quiet.  
  
I can't say I didn't want it, I did, it was always there, that need.   
  
But now I'm in so deep, so deep and drowning and suffocating and loving and hating and begging for every minute of it.  
  
This morning I awoke and she wasn't there, I was filled with a sense of loss and fear and need, and I was about to come looking for her when she pushed open the door, she had made breakfast for me.   
  
Pancakes and strawberries and orange juice, sweet sweet Ra she was just so beautiful right at that moment.   
  
Sometimes I fall back into my memories, and the past and the present, and the future all melt and blend into a fantasy.   
  
Pretty precious one, all sugar and ice and sadness and tears.   
  
All mine mine mine MINE.   
  
She does have neurosis, you can see it in her when she walks and talks, my poor poor lover.   
  
She made me that breakfast and didn't plan on staying with me, how cruel.   
  
She seemed afraid to be alone with me, even after last night, even after I kissed her and held her and loved her and listened to her heart beat and... well felt every piece of my soul descend into rapture and ecstasy and euphoria.   
  
So I asked her to stay with me.   
  
She looked miserable, but she stayed.   
  
She fed me, and I fed her, and she smiled this gorgeous smile, but she was still so nervous.  
  
I sucked on her fingers.   
  
Sometimes it comes over me, that need, all the things I want, all the things she has.   
  
She's beautiful, lovely, radiant.   
  
I love her.   
  
I had to tell her, and she fainted. Just like her the sweet angel, fragile and small, and precious and so scared and so scarred.   
  
I held her and kissed her, and longed for her even though she was right there, how do you long for someone who's sleeping next to you. But I did, I longed and lusted and craved and ached and desired.   
  
I suppose you can still see the possessive pharaoh in me, I want to take her again. I'm always hungry now, for her, and she probably doesn't even like me let alone feel that insatiability like I do.   
  
I long for my days as pharaoh as well.   
  
I always knew what was mine, and had no problems claiming it; it's all I can do to keep from growling, "MINE!", and loving her and keeping her and forbidding all to even look upon her. Making her a princess, queen, goddess, whatever it would take for that face to smile upon me and for her to be truly happy.   
  
But I missed that chance, missed it and beat it to the ground each time it arose.   
  
No wonder she fears me, how do you trust a man who has betrayed you, who has cruelly abandoned you and watched you suffer without batting an eyelash.   
  
Ra must hate me, I didn't want or need you when you were there, anyone could have you I did not care.   
  
But now I wish to be in your company always, to have and hold from this day forward in sickness and in health. Till death do us part.   
  
But now, oh now, you have evolved or perhaps degenerated into a creature that lives in her own world, with no need for a lover's touch, a mother's kind words, or a brother's protection. No need for me. You do not like touch, and fear company.   
  
You are not a possession for me to claim and keep, though how I wish it were that simple.   
  
You are nervous when I am around and displeased when I invade your world, your land, your kingdom. Queen of pain and suffering, tears and despair, sadness and truth.   
  
You are sick with things I never heard of till I met you. And worst of all, most damning of all, I love you. I am miserable without you and that incompleteness in me is soothed when you are near. You taste wonderful, sugary sweet and spicy and good and bad and... hmmm.   
  
I hope I can do right by you and give you what you deserve.   
  
For if I don't Ra, I fear for what I would do to myself.   
  
Excuse me I have to be near you now, I feel lost. 


	2. But sometimesit gets better

Finally after about 3 to 3 and a half months this gets a second chapter. I apologize for being so slow; my diligence muse is currently on vacation. But don't worry; she's hauling her ass back today, so I should be better when it comes to updates. rox1, CaRoLyN CsOhJv, Yami Trekkie, Princess Hallie I'm back! Don't leave me, I promise I'll update sooner. This one's for you guys.  
  
Opening his eyes slowly and yawning regally he looked to see where he had fallen asleep, when his breath was caught in his lungs and his heart sped up.  
  
Lying on the coach, mere inches away from where he had been resting his head, was...she.  
  
Long blond hair was draped across her side of the coach and her body was curled into itself giving the impression that she was a much younger child.  
  
She was wearing the blue jeans jacket and jeans pant he had talked her into, and her beloved overly large white oxford shirt.  
  
She seemed so peaceful when she slept, calm and safe and angelic.  
  
It brought a smile to his face.  
  
Except...  
  
There were a few things that tainted this picture.  
  
The pale look to her skin, as though she was anemic or slowly dying, the tiny lines under her eyes that suggested frequent sleep loss, and the long pink and red scratches that marred her flesh.  
  
Last night they had watched "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and "Bird Cage". It was the first time in a long time that he had seen her laugh.  
  
He could remember that she didn't mind touch at that moment and had hit him with pillows, and flopped down in his lap, and sat on him whenever she came back from making popcorn.  
  
Last he counted they were on their eighth popcorn bag.  
  
It was partly her fault, she started the food fight and the Game King never lost.   
  
Ever.   
  
No matter the contest. So the majority of the corn had ended up on the carpeted floor, the minority had ended up in their mouths.  
  
Oddly enough she willingly fed him, and he fed her, and...  
  
They had watched Body Snatchers first and she had placed her head on the pillow in his lap with the start of the first wormy invasion.  
  
Showing affection was unlike her and the first time she did it, he had stared down at her face lit only by the blue glow of the T.V. and watched as she cried silently.  
  
Never uttering a sob, never letting a gasp escape.  
  
Only soft wet tears streaming down her face while she stroked his kneecap.  
  
He didn't know what to say or do and if he should say or do something, and most of all he hated his helplessness.  
  
Finally gently he began to pet her hair, slowly he caressed the long platinum strands and she for her part did nothing to stop him.  
  
She stayed relaxed under his touch and continued to maintain a warm contact with his knee.  
  
After a couple of minutes she turned and buried her head in the pillow letting go of his knee to curl her fingers in it's soft stuffing.  
  
She looked like she was silently screaming.  
  
He felt a drop of nervousness and fear touch his stomach and he wouldn't put it past her if she was trying to suffocate herself.  
  
He was about to grab her shoulder and turn her around to look at him when she did the action herself.  
  
Bright sapphire eyes locked onto radiant crimson ones and wordlessly she raised a hand to his cheek and gently stroked it, and he for his part did nothing to stop her.  
  
Soft fingers traveling from his brow to his cheek stopping to rest upon his lips and tap gently upon his front teeth, again and again she repeated this action.  
  
Eyes never leaving his, body warm and comfortable.  
  
Her eyes were brilliant but blank, they told him nothing. They didn't explain why she was doing this or why now or anything.  
  
After the tenth time he captured her hand and held it.  
  
Tightly, possessively, affectionately, and also fearfully.  
  
Touch was too much. To touch someone who loves you and not love them back, and tease them in such a manner was...  
  
Too much.  
  
She appeared not to be bothered and rolled over, so that the back of her jacket touched his black shirt clad stomach.  
  
She didn't pull her hand away, and she resumed her activities with his knee.  
  
The movie proved not to be a classic but seemed emotional and wonderful to him all the same.  
  
The movie...and the atmosphere.  
  
It was so warm, and he felt happy.  
  
She never turned on the furnace, so what they shared now was...body heat.  
  
How wonderful.  
  
How very, very, exquisite.  
  
The movie had a rather depressing ending and he was thankful that he had talked her into also getting a comedy.  
  
Ra knows life was depressing enough without any help from the movies.  
  
Gently patting her head, he watched as without a word she lifted her head off of his lap and rubbed any oncoming sleep from her eyes.  
  
He inserted "Bird Cage" into the VCR's drive and sat back on his seat after pushing play.  
  
He waited to see if she would resume her position, but she didn't and he found that he missed her touch.  
  
She watched the screen from her side of the couch, eyes locked on the screen, cradling a pillow close to her chest, and keeping a rather large distance between the two of them.  
  
With the first funny scene he smiled and was rather shocked to hear the soft chuckle that filled the room.   
  
She was laughing.  
  
Had he ever...   
  
She had such a pretty laugh; he wished he could see her happier more.  
  
He glanced at her and was pleased with the twinkle in her eyes and the broad smile playing on her lips. She turned to catch him staring at her and laughed even harder, she leaned forward till her forehead touched her knees and lifting her head off of her lap and bringing her knees to her chest he watched as she sprung up seemingly happy now.  
  
"Press pause", she turned and walked towards the kitchen.  
  
"Why?" he had really never seen her like this before, honestly happy.  
  
"Popcorn.", was the return she gave him before disappearing into the kitchen.   
  
He could hear the smile in her voice.  
  
Minutes later she appeared, and threw a butter-smelling kernel at his face before sitting down on his lap.  
  
That was strange in too many ways.  
  
The day before she had locked him out of her room for hours on end and hit him.  
  
She had seemed absolutely furious at me, and I didn't have a clue as to why.  
  
But then again as soon as dawn subsided to night I awoke from what I thought was a light daydream to find her drawing me, quite enthralled by her work.  
  
And now she was acting as though we were...not that I didn't wish were we. But did she really feel this way or was she simply being herself.   
  
Flighty and moody and wild.   
  
And now sitting quite comfortably on my hips, eyes locked on the screen the sound of chewing filled the air and I was well aware of her body heat.  
  
Ra must enjoy torturing me.  
  
In an instant though my thoughts were turned to a more hilarious scenario and I had to laugh.  
  
I felt the soft trembles of laughter from her body and she pressed closer to me putting her head on my shoulder for a second.  
  
Perhaps...this wasn't torture.  
  
Perhaps this was a gift.  
  
In another second she lifted her head off of my shoulder and stared more intently at the screen.  
  
I followed suit in her actions and for many a minute it was fine.  
  
Of course I should have known that wouldn't last long.  
  
I felt soft fingertips upon my lips and looked down to find a face a few centimeters away. I opened my mouth not quite sure what I would say to her doing something like this when she ever so calmly inserted a corn into my mouth and pulled away.  
  
"You look sick. Are you okay?" well...I guess I was.  
  
I should have pushed her away...found some way of saying no to her...but more than anything I wanted her to touch me. I wanted her to hold me. And if I wasn't absolutely terrified of what she would do, I would have asked her to marry me.  
  
Out of sheer need and desperation.  
  
Love and time are odd things.  
  
If you have, you do not want, and then add a couple millennia's giving or taking a few centuries and you want that person more than anything.  
  
I know.  
  
Yesterday when she locked me out and I had all the free time in the world I sat and contemplated how much I needed her.  
  
I was quite surprised and saddened to know that air apparently means nothing to me.   
  
And when I awoke and she was close enough to touch and looked like honey and sugar and heaven and hell all wrapped up in a little human bundle I was amazed by how much I wanted to just...  
  
And now...  
  
If she knew she'd probably want fifty feet of space between us.  
  
...  
  
Her fingers on my lips is a dangerous thing.  
  
I grew up in a time when you married young; therefore you also did other...activities at a young age.  
  
And so by now I am proud to say that I have excellent knowledge of exactly how to seduce someone.  
  
Sadly the knowledge is only a burden, since sexual fantasies are only a pain.  
  
Especially when the one you love is sitting...on...your...lap.  
  
But this feels too right for me to fantasize.  
  
Too right to even dream.  
  
So when she put her fingertips on my lips again and I smelled buttery popcorn on them, I let her feed me.  
  
I enjoyed the few seconds of caressing.  
  
And I fed her and she did not stop me, nor did she take her eyes from mine.  
  
Finally she started the food fight gently tossing kernels at my head. I managed to ignore her but then she burst out laughing and was rocking.  
  
"What?" I didn't see what was so funny at this moment since the movie had hit a depressing note.  
  
"You...you have...popcorn kernels...in your hair!", and then there was the food fight and the food fight became a chase and the chase led to me straddling her on the couch while holding her hands.  
  
Sometimes I truly don't know how some situations come to be.  
  
And when we realized and both of our expressions turned to shock I did not let go and she did not push me away.  
  
Chivalry took over and I got off of her and pulled her up, she seemed so quiet and I was sure that she was angry at me again.  
  
But she seemed to be thinking and the main characters were sharing a kiss and she turned and looked at me and...her lips touched mine soft and slow at first, but then picking up speed and force.  
  
And I kissed her back, hungry and happy and needing and so...passionate.  
  
Hot breaths and teeth and tongue and...we're so close...too damn close...if you pulled back now...  
  
I would die because I think you know now how much I need you.  
  
How much I want you...  
  
But you do pull back.  
  
You pull back and look around as if you're lost.  
  
"Yami?" I answer you, feeling like I'm about to go crazy.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What did I do?" small and childlike and confused.  
  
The maternal part of me roars and I capture you immediately, "Nothing. You've done absolutely nothing wrong."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No.", I hold you, and you're so small and...is this what a mother feels?  
  
"But..."  
  
"No."  
  
I smoothen out your hair and you're looking around seemingly lost and...more than anything I want to kiss you right now.  
  
Then you look at me, blue eyes that are slightly scared and sad peer into my soul and when you speak your voice is the soft, halting, pitter patter of a child's voice.  
  
"You're sure?", I nod and hold you tight and close, maybe I couldn't have you as a lover, but I was unbelievably happy for the moments when you could let me see you as you are.  
  
Your brow furrows and your nose wrinkles and you lean forward a little, "You're not lying are you?", I shake my head no and in a second your face is unbelievably close to mine and I think you're about to kiss me but...no.  
  
Sorta.  
  
Your nose brushes against my own and you're smiling, I can feel it, and then in a child's voice, "You better not be, cause...I think...I kinda, maybe, like you. But only kinda.", and with that you pull away.  
  
"Oh really?", I pull back and smirk at you, your arms wrap around my neck and your sitting in my lap, smiling that bright, wonderful, smile at me.  
  
"Yes really", "Well...", but before I can finish you bring your face to mine.  
  
Your lips brush against my own and you're still smiling but you're losing that, and then.  
  
We kiss.  
  
Your lips press against my own over and over again, and my nose bumps your own, and I'm more than happy.  
  
One day, I don't know when, it could be fifty years from now; I'm going to marry you again.  
  
I refuse to let you leave me.  
  
Because I need you, and I love you.  
  
And maybe if it takes fifty years, you'll love me too.  
  
And if it takes forever, well, we have that.  
  
We have each other.  
  
And we have this.  
  
This one perfect.  
  
Kiss.  
  
I hate to say it, I do, but...I shall update soon?   
  
Ducks as people start throwing things. 


	3. Just a little note

Hi! I bet you're wondering why this isn't a new chapter with more exciting   
  
stuff but I felt that I really needed to post this, Ahem some wonderful people   
  
reviewed this fic and I responded to their reviews, that made this story 4   
  
chapters long including the two real chapters, well I was cleaning out   
  
my...writers corner today and I kinda had to delete them, just those two   
  
chapters where I spoke freely because they were taking up space and keeping me   
  
from getting reviews on my second chapter. However the first batch of people   
  
that reviewed and that I responded to are in my heart, and my backup folder, you guys are so not forgotten.   
  
Peace Epiphany. 


	4. Please stop crying

Hi and welcome to the third chapter of Dear Diary, "Please Stop Crying", this fic is..really something. It is my only fic that has three chapters, that however is going to change, I have, have, have to work on my other stories plus my new stories...le sigh, it may be asking a lot but when my beloved readers read this story I'd like them to pay special attention. This is the first fic I've really worked my butt off on, I printed it out and did my grammatical stuff and showed it to my friends and ugh...all the stuff I never do. It was all way too much effort, but anyway keep an eye out for the nitty gritty of the fic and when you review (which you will, please, please, please) tell me honestly what you think...you may even flame me, I'm a pyro and I don't mind them, but I've only ever gotten one so...that must mean I'm pretty good right? Any way review, be honest, and if you'll excuse me...I'm going to take a nap.  
  
To Kawaii-Kitusne21- Thank you for reviewing, and especially thank you for all the compliments. I had a silly smile on my face for several minutes and you honestly made my day. Thank you again, I love you and...here's the third chapter.  
  
To Hotaru-Yuugijou- Update I shall until...um, this fic ends, and who was it? Why my own personal invented character Gia. She is...(in my little world)...Yami's lover, Yugi's mother, a vampyere, and fifteen years old physically. I made her up, legally she's mine and if anyone wants to borrow her they'll have to ask me and give me credit. (Yeah, like anyone will want to rent my character) Once again it's Gia and she has appeared in...six out of my eleven fics, yes she is not so volatile in my other fics. Instead she's more calm and speculative, and quite...unlike in this fic. The rest of my fics all have to do with the other yummy YGO characters.  
  
Well enough, read on and review.  
  
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What do you do when the one you love won't stop crying?  
  
...  
  
When at those moments you truly thought they were getting better your hopes falter, crack into dust, and get blown away by the cruel winds of honesty and you see...after having to push away your pride and your dreams, you realize that you don't have any control in this situation.  
  
All the power you enjoyed and exercised in Egypt, all the people you kept pathetically caged inside your iron fist, all of that is gone now.  
  
And in it's place is humanity, humility, weakness, fear, and hope.  
  
And all those emotions only arose after you met your cross to bear.  
  
The one that hurts you, and hates you, and forgets that you exist.  
  
The one that frustrates you, and seeks your destruction, and smirks in the face of your sorrow is the one you protect, and care for, and love.  
  
And you, a mortal shadow and an immortal dream, you are forced deeper and deeper into hell because all you can do for one you care most about is sit back and endure the undistorted reality.  
  
The truth wrapped inside gossamer lies...  
  
And the truth is absolutely heartbreaking.  
  
For where your lover is a Queen in your dreams, a goddess to be revered, worshipped, and loved...in real life she is nothing more than a broken vampyere bound to a pain that doesn't cease and a reality that is partly delusional.  
  
In real life she is nothing more than a dark child lost in unforgiving shadows...in real life...she is just like you at times.  
  
Unreasonable, unbalanced, unwell, impossible.  
  
But also...sweet, beautiful, precious, and...so easily shattered.  
  
You know it, you once added to the pain she harbored in her heart, added another weight to her shoulders and another apparition to her mind, and it didn't bother you because you didn't care.  
  
...Why should you have?  
  
She was only your lover, the mother to your son and beloved aibou, and the one you pledged undying loyalty to.  
  
The one you promised the world and all of it's epiphanies to.  
  
Why should she have mattered when everything had changed beyond belief and things of the past could and would be left in the past, why should she have mattered when you and your son craved acceptance from those lesser than you.  
  
Why should she have mattered when she didn't have to?  
  
...  
  
She shouldn't have.  
  
She didn't.  
  
...  
  
And so you both did the deed.  
  
You forgot about shame and kindness and made sure she stayed far away from your clique.  
  
Far far away of her own choosing and free will.  
  
And then life...life was perfect for the both of you.  
  
...  
  
After all you weren't there to watch as her soul was broken into unrepairable pieces, and as she tried to mend herself, tried to gain some semblance of a real life...she went mad.  
  
Crazy, insane, psychotic.  
  
And while she stayed locked away in her house toying with sharp objects and speaking to invisible visitors, she hated herself for losing to a game she didn't want to play, she hated herself for what she had unwillingly become to others, and most of all she hated you and him for what you had both done equally to her.  
  
You and him whom she had trusted and loved.  
  
...  
  
And because of all those awful feelings boiling inside of her she tried to kill herself with every chance she was given.  
  
Again, and again, and again.  
  
Till a dozen knives, red and rusted, littered the sink and every room contained traces of violence, and her body...  
  
...She tried so very hard, but...it didn't work cause as it haunts her in every unsavory moment...a vampyere as old as her will never die.  
  
The life she had fought so very hard for was finally hers after billions of years, and like so many times before with one careless human act she was forced to realize how very little so many years had amounted to.  
  
How very little she had despite her constant trying, and it was that truth that pained her eternally.  
  
And that's how it was for her, living when she didn't understand life and killing because she did understand death.  
  
And you didn't know, and you didn't care, and it went on and on around you, but you didn't notice because the person it involved didn't mean a damn thing to you.  
  
At that time she was less than dirt to you and she knew it.  
  
She knew...  
  
...  
  
But now it's all changed isn't it?  
  
Because now you can't get enough of this person.  
  
You love her.  
  
And she...she is wailing into a white pillow, voicing everything that ever hurt her while you sit there, close to her, wanting to hold her, but knowing that she will easily refuse you, and as you rest on her couch unable to do what you wish to, you realize how very useless you can be at times.  
  
How absolutely worthless.  
  
Because for all the pain you inflicted on her, all that you willingly forced upon her small form, now that you wish her to be well again you know that she...she will not.  
  
She's going to be this way for a very long time, perhaps even forever, and nothing you say or do will tear her away from the sanctuary she's created in her mind.  
  
Though crumbling and suffocating she holds tight to her palace refusing help from anyone, and it was when you lost all your patience and did what you know to be wrong that a little more was revealed.  
  
You made a mistake that didn't kill you, though you and I know how easily it could have.  
  
...  
  
You entered her thoughts without her permission.  
  
...  
  
That day...she had cut herself again, and as you stared at her calm and unrepentant, watched as her blood flowed so smoothly down her skin you grew so very angry.  
  
So dangerously furious that you grit your teeth till they hurt, and dug your nails into your skin till there was a tattooed remembrance, and tried to hold back your fury as your ruby eyes gleamed with flashing violence.  
  
And she saw.  
  
In one moment she absorbed all that lay conflicting beneath the surface of our skin and she was afraid.  
  
She backed away from you, and dropped her knife, and she was afraid of you.  
  
And as you watched her, serenity settled down deep into your soul and you were no longer angry.  
  
No. Instead you were at peace, she was like no one else you knew and therefore...she could not be treated like everyone else.  
  
Punished like everyone else.  
  
And in one moment you made your decision as you gazed on at your ward, the sennen eye shone brilliantly on your forehead and before she had a chance to even imagine...you were inside of her.  
  
You forcefully gained entrance into her world and were surprised by what you saw once there.  
  
A large empty space with nothing but barren land for miles and miles as far as the eye could see, and as you stood there with the wind whipping your hair and dust blowing onto you, you felt a drop of nervousness trickle down your spine.  
  
You walked for minutes, for hours, you walked till you were tired and dirty and sweating, and in the one second you let down your guard to wipe the liquid from your brow, the land around you changed.  
  
Morphed, and shifted, and changed in spite of you and now everywhere was small and suffocating.  
  
Cramped pockets of crazed giddiness lay in beautiful traps meant to wound the unwary and cruel tricks hid in every nook, corner, and cranny they could find waiting for those who would fall.  
  
...And so many times you fell.  
  
Over and over again till your body was bruised and pained, over and over again till you thought you might give up or fail, but still you continued, still you fought and remained stubborn and it was then...then that you found her.  
  
Sitting quietly on an emerald grass floor, legs swinging gently in the cool water of a clear pond, still wearing nothing but an overly large oxford shirt as she waited...perhaps for you?  
  
And she was so very beautiful right at that moment, with long blond hair resting on rumpled white cloth whisping with the gentle breeze. Petite legs peeking out from under the shirt to receive a mere glimpse of the sun only to disappear into the chilled embrace of the pond.  
  
She was so very beautiful...until she looked at you.  
  
And then...  
  
...  
  
She lifted her head suddenly aware of the other presence that stood there waiting for her and then she turned in your direction.  
  
And your eyes widened as you stared.  
  
Her eyes were an indescribable shade of blue, not very dark, not very light, just...perfect and even from this distance you could see the tiny pale freckles that were sprinkled across her nose and her lips...soft, pink, pouting...tempting.  
  
Her hands rested on either side of her and the sleeves were slightly rolled up so that slim arms could be given a breath of the fresh air, her shirt was slightly unbuttoned and you could just barely see the voluptuous curve of femininity.  
  
Gia.  
  
And she smiled, her eyes began to sparkle and her lips pulled back to show off straight white teeth and two pointed canines, she placed her hands in her lap so that the scratches that ran from the bottom of her palm to the skin across her elbow were horribly visible, and she smiled.  
  
...  
  
There she sat and there you stood staring at each other and saying nothing.  
  
...But much was said...and you understood.  
  
The red scratches on her wrist had to be accepted or ignored, or else kisses would not be given, and really they were not so frightening, they were almost like the tattoos of days long past and more than anything you do need her kisses.  
  
Faults both hers and your own, will be forgiven so that harmony can reign and caresses can be enjoyed and blatant infatuation can be given time to blossom...and neither of you can lie and say are not interested in becoming lost in the other.  
  
And in the case of insanity...well...even you go a little crazy sometimes, even you need to be able to break wide apart in someone's arms and besides...  
  
Crazy or sane.  
  
Lethal or lovely.  
  
Still she is yours.  
  
And you hers.  
  
To keep and protect and love and cherish and bear even though each day you grow more and more tired, to adore from this day forward in sickness and in health, for as long as the sun shall rise and set and the moon shall glow heavenly in the black night sky...  
  
Amen.  
  
And she smiled with that happy thought and you smiled because you adore everything about her...especially her smile.  
  
And then she forcefully removed you from herself, and when you came back and recovered from the exertion you had a splitting headache and your nose was bleeding but then...there were silken fingertips wiping your blood away, and then there were hypnotizing eyes staring almost wondrously at the red on her own fingers, and then there were pouting lips kissing, and licking, and pleasuring away the hurt.  
  
And at that moment, and the moment after that, and the moments after that led to the both of you sharing a bed together you and her were so in love and so completely bonded that the world realized it and allowed peace for the both of you.  
  
Quiet for ever and ever as you both lounged and stared.  
  
And her slit wrists, and her disheveled appearance, and her quivering psyche, all of it together is what makes her who she is, and all of it together is what keeps you bound to her in love, because you love who she is.  
  
So every scratch and bruise and unmentionable is exquisite and perfect.  
  
All of her is just perfect.  
  
Always.  
  
But at times like now...  
  
Now...she's just too much.  
  
Too much for even a pharaoh or game king, and you feel as though you're about to lose all traces of your sanity because when she breaths...or rather, when she tries to...  
  
She makes such a helpless gasping noise, that every time you hear it, you wince, shut your eyes, and hold your breath as you listen to her lungs pitifully beg for one clear breath of air, but she won't lift her head from that simple piece of cotton vanity, and you pray...  
  
To God.  
  
To Ra.  
  
To anyone willing to pry inside your mind, discover the things that no one knows, and grant you your one wish.  
  
Two choices but only one wish.  
  
Freedom or salvation.  
  
Freedom to leave her, to move on, become strong again, become what you once were but...that's not what you really want, is it?  
  
It seems nice, like an untouchable dream but what you need is her.  
  
You dove back into insanity and darkness for her, back into your past and pain and everything else that you left behind you. You didn't want to go back there...but she was there and you want her, and for now, for these few eternal minutes, she's yours...and she wants you too.  
  
And it was worth it...it is worth it, because you don't want to lose her now.  
  
Now or ever.  
  
So you don't mind being tainted again, though it hurts every bit of your essence you don't mind the loneliness that comes when she wants nothing to do with you, you almost don't mind when she's at her very worse because at times she smiles and she's back again. And you can ignore the cuts, and bruises on her wrist, and forever flickering confidence in her eyes, and all of the crying, and yelling, and hurt because she's healthy and smart and precious and...  
  
You love her.  
  
And maybe with the grace of a higher power she could be saved, the shackles that tie her down and darken overly sensitive flesh could be removed and you could save her...risk throwing her into the light even if it means staying alone in the dark.  
  
Forsake yourself for herself.  
  
...Maybe you could stand being alone if only she was well again.  
  
Maybe.  
  
But you don't want to be alone, do you?  
  
By yourself with...no one to wake up to in the mornings, no one to constantly watch over, no one to protect from themselves.  
  
It seems so scary now.  
  
It never used to bother you before...but that was before you met your Gia.  
  
Before when you liked your independence, your solitude, the freedom that came with standing on one's own two feet without any aid...but after meeting your lover you gained one of her many ticks.  
  
Fear of separation...of loneliness...of emptiness.  
  
You gained one of her sicknesses and it didn't bother you.  
  
...It sounds foolish but...you wish to share everything with her...even her diseases, all of it, so that you two will stay together.  
  
And if you get a little sick in the process, well it's okay, it's not like you won't live, it's not like you can die.  
  
...  
  
...You can just be miserable for all eternity.  
  
...  
  
If you love someone...  
  
let them go...  
  
if they come back...  
  
they're yours.  
  
But...  
  
And you glance down at her, her small body seemed to be swimming in the large white shirt she always wore, her hair was limp, knotted, and wet in some places, and she was shaking.  
  
...You do love her, you do, no one can lie and say you don't.  
  
But you don't know if she loves you, you don't know if she understands why you stay here with her, you don't honestly know if...she's capable of love anymore...  
  
Capable of treating anyone the way she should...past behavior suggests not...  
  
You feel like a traitor every time you think it but still...you can't stop because it'd kill you...and you can't let go because you'd die...and you can't give up because death would be better than not having her around.  
  
And if you let her go...if...if you...no, you refuse to live like this again.  
  
You don't want to feel like this again when you don't have to.  
  
And if she doesn't come back...  
  
...you don't want to think about it.  
  
...  
  
You should not be attracted to her, you should not want to help her, you should not.  
  
That's what all your friends say, never your aibou, but his and your friends...  
  
...  
  
...You once listened to them, listened to everything they had to say and followed their advice.  
  
Listened and followed.  
  
Isn't that how you got into all this trouble?  
  
Not doing what your heart told you to...instead you went out of your way to hurt her and your refused to feel guilt for what you had done.  
  
...  
  
A year.  
  
That was how long you went without guilt and without seeing her.  
  
A year without worries or pain.  
  
But then...  
  
One day you woke up and came to a sudden realization.  
  
You saw something wrong.  
  
Someone that was disturbed and frightening and...  
  
Still you didn't realize...  
  
Not even the fact that it was her, the person you had once loved...no you merely saw another human being teetering on a very dangerous edge that may have brought danger and suffering to your beloved aibou and his friends.  
  
And so you vowed to stop it before it ever hurt anyone.  
  
...Hah.  
  
Oh it hurt someone all right, just not the person you expected.  
  
Not the person you had originally hoped to hurt.  
  
Rather...it hurt you.  
  
...  
  
Scared you and frightened you...and...  
  
And you suffered, and you cried, and you truly couldn't bear it, and when you were so close to losing it all...she placed her hand upon your own gently patting it, and sat down next to you warming your cool skin, and when you looked up with tears shimmering in your eyes and gazed into her own expressionless orbs, the world stilled, and time slowed, and you fell then.  
  
Hook, line, and sinker.  
  
And it didn't hurt.  
  
...it may even have felt a little good, but you can't quite remember...but above all else.  
  
It didn't hurt.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...hurt. She's so used to it, so used to not trusting anyone and not having anyone to turn to...so when it happened she simply retreated into the shelter she's created for herself but you...you latched onto her and refused to let go of her body and...she let you stay in her arms that night.  
  
And by the next morning you were absolutely infatuated.  
  
As she dozed in her king-sized bed, content and asleep, you wondered how you could have ever missed it when she was so close by. And soft tan fingertips graced over porcelain skin while you stared and loved and thought of the uncertain future that you hoped to have with her. And nothing hurt more than knowing she didn't feel the same way, that she loved no one least of all you.  
  
And nothing was more curious to you than the way she viewed her future...in six hour spans.  
  
...She was, is an enigma to you, one that you will not deny.  
  
...  
  
...Perhaps if you had left that morning you might have had a chance to forget, to move on...but you didn't.  
  
You couldn't because she still wasn't fixed and you wouldn't leave till she was.  
  
...  
  
...If only you had know the sentence you were dooming yourself to.  
  
But would it have mattered?  
  
...  
  
...You don't know...  
  
And the question doesn't plague you as much as it would others...because it's in the past, dead and buried but not forgotten.  
  
And...  
  
You lean down and whisper her name softly into her ear, hoping that it'll encourage her to stop, to listen, but it doesn't and she stiffens under you.  
  
Stiffens and becomes so still that you can hear her unsteady heartbeat and feel her try to stop but...  
  
Can she..?  
  
You glance around the room while rubbing her back in soothing circles trying to focus on something other than the sound of her sobbing, but...  
  
...  
  
The dead silence of the rest of the house is so acute that the noise she makes seems deafening and the world swirls in a dizzying circle as her body is racked with one more painful sob, your body moves with hers as her back arches and falls down weakly.  
  
Why?  
  
Why her? Why?  
  
Things never haunted you like this.  
  
And you have killed millions, doomed millions more, done everything wrong a person was capable of doing and yet...  
  
You are able to sleep at nights.  
  
So why her?  
  
And you remove yourself from touch, knowing that temptation is sharp and deceitful, and you've never really prayed before but as you sit there in a frighteningly shadowed and messy living room, patting a back that won't stop quaking, you soundlessly whisper words that lack the strength that you were born with and the conviction that they bred into your being, and after awhile you've been doing it for so long that the motion has become mindless.  
  
Mindless.  
  
But not meaningless.  
  
Never meaningless.  
  
Not for her.  
  
And sounds and sights had almost been lost when you noticed that sad tremors were slowly becoming stilled and you held your breath and closed your eyes for a moment while you whispered thanks to someone for listening, for caring, and when you opened the ruby orbs to gaze down at your lover...you hoped...and hoped and hoped.  
  
And ever so slowly she pushed herself up and sat back with her head down and you waited for some response, some acknowledgment that she knew you existed, that she...  
  
Small pale hands pushed long platinum strands away from an expressionless face and lashes brushed fair skin as she breathed so deeply, and blinked, and then she looked at you.  
  
Midnight blue eyes gazed into your very soul, and with almost regret she touched the hand that had come to rest on the small of her back, pulled it away and laid it on the cushion of the couch.  
  
And in that one moment of refusal you felt a burning in your eyes and tears that would never fall from so noble a pharaoh, and a mortal wound was left bleeding as a girl who was too old to ever be innocent and a woman who had never truly lost what made a child, left you once more.  
  
And when you were alone in that room, in a house, that to think, you might have never stepped foot in, you thought about mornings.  
  
Thought about them as weariness settled heavily on your shoulders and exhaustion caught up with you.  
  
Mornings, the promise of pain and pleasure that lay in the last moment of the day and the fear that came in the first moment of the next.  
  
So many different circumstances, so many fights and wars and battles that started in the course of merely trying to make sure that she doesn't kill herself by living this way.  
  
So many times she told you off, hit you, pushed you, and left you alone...so many times she took strange men to her bed and gave them all you had ever dreamed of.  
  
So many times...  
  
And so many times you were silent, begged yourself to say nothing and grit your teeth as hard as possible when you heard them...moving and moaning in the middle of the night.  
  
And for all your silence and steadfastness where had your rewards been?  
  
...  
  
...In those moments when she came crying to you, silently asking for comfort, for her lover had left in the middle of the night and you both knew to where he had gone.  
  
What had happened to that poor soul, attracted to the flashing eyes of a monster and queen.  
  
And though you knew, though you knew and hated and knew, you held her and loved her silently in your heart.  
  
And shushed away all tears and pain and were almost happy because she came to you and no one else.  
  
You and...no one...else...  
  
Lashes fluttered, lowered themselves to high cheekbones only to rise up again with a tiny burst of self control.  
  
You're tired.  
  
How long have you been awake? How many long and sleepless nights have you had? How many times did you stay wake just to be able to watch Gia sleep?  
  
And finally long lashes drooped down onto honeyed skin and you almost nodded off...almost...  
  
...Eyes fly open and you blink wildly while sitting up slowly.  
  
What was that?  
  
You glance around the room sleepily, ears keen, body waiting for...  
  
...But there's nothing...whatever it was, and Ra please don't let it be Gia, whatever it was...it's gone now...  
  
Now it's quiet...  
  
...quiet...  
  
...Now...you're so very tired...  
  
And tired...and tired...  
  
...tired...  
  
...sleep...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Lashes flutter open as the sun dips low onto your face and a soft groan fills the air, you slept at an awkward angle last night but her coach is soft so it doesn't hurt as much as it could.  
  
You stand up and stretch tilting your head backwards as you listen to the verifying crack and pull of bones readjusting and muscles expanding.  
  
Ra.  
  
It still hurts though.  
  
Last night was...last night...where's Gia?  
  
You lift your head and listen for the sound of...anything but...nothing.  
  
You frown and something small inside of you curls into itself in anticipation and in fear of what you'll soon find.  
  
"Gia?", you call just once, not bothering to look around, not bothering to really listen.  
  
You already know where she is.  
  
"Gia.", a whisper now, she wouldn't be able to hear you...not from where she is-if that's what you want?  
  
...Is that what you want?  
  
"Gia.", the basement that's where she always is-it's the darkest room in the house, the most...room in the house.  
  
"Gia.", you hate the basement because it's so dark-why does she always..?  
  
"Gia.", you place your hand on the smooth cool wood, waiting for...  
  
She won't.  
  
Pull.  
  
The door swings open and you peer into the shadows trying to find her, but you can't see a thing. Lightly you move forward and as your foot presses down a slow creek fills the air.she knows you're here now you can feel it, feel her...but still...doesn't matter.  
  
Does it?  
  
...Does it?  
  
The rest of the stairs creek just as much as the first but it doesn't matter, there's no need for silence because she's waiting for you anyway.  
  
Waiting all alone in this dark-is she all alone?  
  
Yes-why would she...be otherwise?  
  
You stand in the dark, your hands on either side of the doorframe waiting as well but no she doesn't want-you should go now...  
  
You reach forward and when your hand grazes the switch you flick.  
  
Blinding fluorescent lights flash on and your eyes unwillingly narrow while staring at the floor.  
  
You look up haltingly, afraid of what you'll find and...  
  
There she is...  
  
Gia.  
  
Your lover.  
  
Your love.  
  
Sitting on top of a cupboard with her eyes hooded by long lashes and shadows, long hair platinum and shining, body relaxed as she...  
  
She...  
  
...Again...  
  
...  
  
...There's a knife.  
  
Long and sharp and a butcher knife.  
  
Silver, and gleaming, and ominous.  
  
And she...humming calmly, tunelessly, while ever so slowly she runs the sharp blade along her fragile skin over and over and...  
  
Gia.  
  
You gasp and shudder at the sight in front of you before gritting your teeth.  
  
And she looks up now and you can see her eyes.  
  
Shimmering sapphires that are sparkling and wild and filled with happiness.  
  
"Gia.", your voice is so soft, so sad, you're weakening.  
  
Every day you spend with her you grow weaker and weaker, and guilt, love, sorrow, shame, and hope is all you are capable of anymore.  
  
Very soon you too will be unrepairable.  
  
...Soon...but for now...  
  
She, Gia...you can't even sleep for a few hours without her-and you don't want her to-you hate those-but she...  
  
Tears form in your eyes and jumbled thoughts continue in your mind as you stare at her and walk forward.  
  
She'll never...but you...  
  
...  
  
Will it ever be okay?  
  
"Gia.", your voice is barely a whisper now, and as you draw closer your eyes start to burn...you should really blink but...then you'd be crying.  
  
And you don't cry, do you?  
  
...There's blood on the floor, and in her lap, and...Ra.  
  
She looks and feels sad as she watches you approach and she's sorry for hurting you, but...you have to understand.  
  
"Yami.", her voice is gentle and she tries to look in your eyes since you're avoiding hers.  
  
"Yami.", you look up and she can't help but notice the way your eyes resemble spilled blood and slicked rubies, you step forward because you're suddenly so cold and Gia...she's so very warm right now and you don't want to be cold.  
  
She leans forward so that you'll know, so that you'll understand and listen and know.  
  
She leans forward and gently she says to you, while staring into your eyes, lips not so far from your own.  
  
"It's better now."  
  
And you can't hold back the sob that erupts from you as you hear that, nor can you contain your revulsion as you delicately grasp one of her wrists and watch as her blood flows quicker.  
  
"Gia...".  
  
She pulls her hand away and leans back, and you miss her already.  
  
She stares at you distrustingly and that something small inside you clenches and clenches again till you can hardly breath.  
  
"Yami-".  
  
"No.", you shake your head, you don't want to hear it, dear Ra, you don't want to hear why she's doing this.  
  
...  
  
...You're about to start crying...  
  
...  
  
Light fingertips grasp the side of your face and you find yourself staring at Gia again.  
  
"Yami...", you bite your lip as you stare at her, you don't want to hurt but you do...but she can...  
  
"Yami, I feel much better now.", and she smiles like games without frontiers, and worlds without end, and everything you've ever wanted dipped in sugar and honey, and lacquered with tears and blood.  
  
And you smile, though you're weary, and miserable, and a large part of you doesn't feel like smiling, you do.  
  
Because you adore everything about her, especially her smile.  
  
Hands grasp your shoulder blades and she pulls in closer till you can smell the peppermint on her breath and the coppery sweet smell of her blood.  
  
"Yami I feel so much better...I've been needing that all day...Thank you.", and with that simple announcement filled with a love you aren't sure exists, she kisses you.  
  
Presses her lips to your own chastely and pours all her appreciation for you in that one move, and you...you recognize that this is different, she means it...she might even...  
  
And that hope causes the tears in your eyes to fall and as the crystalline drops run down your cheeks they touch her own and dance past her skin, and you kiss her back.  
  
Hungry and longing and lusting.  
  
...  
  
And she smiles into the kiss because you're soft and warm and you care...you and you and you care, and you don't know how very much she does love you for it.  
  
She loves you.  
  
And you love her.  
  
But...  
  
She's not...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
What do you do when the one you love won't stop crying?  
  
...Let them do what they've been wanting to all day.  
  
Now...  
  
What do you do when the one you love won't stop smiling..?  
  
...  
  
What then?  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Fini. -------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
...Well, not bad if I do say so myself. If you liked this fic review, and if you really liked this fic then look up my other ones and review them too.  
  
luv ya, bye bye, peace out.  
  
Epiphany. 


	5. Read this for the inside story!

Hello all you beautiful reviewers I thought I would leave you guys with an overview of the world that this story takes place in so you guys aren't totally confused. Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing, I llloooove you guys, you make me so happy. If you like what you've read and would like to read more, look up my account and of course review. Also does anyone mind if the next chapter is told from Gia's POV as she talkbs about Yami? Anyone? Also feel free to e-mail me if you want to.  
  
Yes I confess, I did make up Gia (she's a little too weird for YGO). Gia is a vampyere (I have a small thing for them); she met Yami during their time in Egypt, fell in love, and was married. She eventually gave birth to Yugi (who at that time was also a vampyere) and they were a family. One small happy family until the War of the Duel Monsters happened (As I call it) and Yami was sealed, Gia left thinking her husband and child were dead, and Yugi fell out of being (more or less he died from a broken heart) when he was unable to find either of his beloved parents. Insert a lot of years later and Yugi solves the puzzle and meets his Father. He doesn't know at the time that Yami is his Father, he's just very very close to him and he loves him. A little while later (I'm not sure how much since I fiddle around with YGO timeline a lot) Gia enters Domino as a student not knowing that that's where the two loves of her life currently reside.  
  
She goes to Domino high as a student (she has chosen to keep her body in an infinite loop as a fifteen year-old. The age she was when she met Yami. You see, in my world vampyeres are not so much dead humans, or undead, but a higher form of life. They can grow, change, age or even revert to a younger time in their lives if they so wish) sees her child alive and well and senses her husband's essence. She is of course overjoyed and so she attempts to befriend him and her friends. Unfortunately Yugi doesn't respond as well to his Mother as he did to his Father (he doesn't know she's his mother at the time), so with the help of Kaiba he plays a very very cruel trick on her.  
  
Gia gets the picture and leaves Domino after attempting to commit suicide. A year and six months later she is forced to come back after pushing herself as close to the brink of death as possible. When she comes back she is dropped off at Yugi's house by Kaiba, who is doing this very small favor out of more of an urge to hurt both parties. Yugi by now knows she is his mother and is horrified by what's happened and his own part in all of it.  
  
He is overcome by guilt and affection as he tries to take care of someone he loves so much and he is often frustrated as he realizes how very little he is cared for by her. Gia however has very much changed after all that's happened and Gia has no interest in being anything for her son and husband, right now at this stage in her life she's very much quiet and emotional. Thus conflict reigns free.  
  
Yami is caught between wanting to help Gia so much that he would give himself willingly, and giving her what she truly wants which is to be left alone. Yugi is caught between wanting to protect and love Gia to the point of extreme selfishness and saying things to hurt her so that she will give him some sort of response.  
  
I've basically created an alternate universe, it's a little weird, but I love it. I play off on the idea of this world several times and do all kinds of side stories from diff POVs, thus the basis of many of my fics. 


	6. You can read my diary

This fic is dedicated to Cecelia and to all my other wonderful readers reviewers.

* * *

"I am dead.

Cold and empty and lost.

I am a five foot two blond with blue eyes and a cracked smile.

I am your sister, your mother, your girlfriend, your lover...

But I'm not.

I was once.

Everything that a woman should be.

Everything that a woman could be.

But not now, not anymore.

I'm dead.

I have no love, no friends, no family, no nothing.

Anything.

I am alone.

Completely.

I'm not empty though...there was once a time when I had a million important things to say and a million un-important things more.

But now I don't.

Anything I say will sound stupid and truly no one listens.

And those that do just write me off as a percentage and I'm tired of trying, I really am.

Very very tired.

And I'm slowly running out of thoughts, because they're all muddling together and...well, I...don't remember things the way I used to.

and...

Let's stop now please...

I'm not cold.

I can't show empathy for others because I will and when the time comes they won't and I'll be hurt and alone again.

And I don't want to be alone again, please no more.

And no one cares and no one bothers.

Not even my own son.

...so I'm a bad mother...

And have you ever watched "Body Snatchers", there's this line where the woman says, "Where ya gonna go, where ya gonna run, where ya gonna hide. Nowhere. Because there's no place left. There's no one like you left."

Or maybe something like that, I can't...my memories not what it used to be and the most simple things...are so hard to remember.

I've never felt quite like this.

Everything's in black and white and no one understands the laws of my world.

You can't come in. You can't make a mess. You can't disturb anything.

That's the most important one of all, don't you DARE disturb what I've managed to build up, all that I've managed to build up.

And there are...people everywhere, crowding me and stealing my air...leaving me to cower in the dark.

I'm lost.

Somewhere between here and yesterday.

Today and tomorrow...I got lost.

And everything disappeared and my world ended without me knowing.

...Funny thing, that.

If you look at me I guess I'm cute.

I have pale blond hair and blue eyes, and pale lips and a small body.

Except my hair falls down in my face and keeps people away from me.

People who will always hurt me.

Always, always.

My eyes are dull and there's not a lot behind them. I died on the inside and my eyes tell the tale, the long miserable tale. I get nervous and scared and I don't work well with people and I mess things up a lot. I break things and things don't go well when I'm near and...well...that's me.

If I sound like a mess it's because I am.

I'm this scared, shaking, pile of mess and...

No one can help me.

Thanks for trying and if you're not.

Well, at least thanks for listening.

Thanks for that at least."

Yami bit his lip and did his absolute best to keep from screaming as he stared down at the ruined paper and disturbed words...and...that was it.

He couldn't leave her by herself anymore.

Gia was...how strange he had known all this time but now he...he was in love with someone that was suicidal.

Suicidal.

Someone that had a desperate urge to kill themselves, to end their existence, to be gone...to...

She would.

Gia would kill herself one of these days and Yugi would...

Broken heart, beautiful violet eyes filled with tears upon tears, sobs that wouldn't stop and...

And then he would too.

And then they would all be alone...but they'd also all be together.

Dead and in their caskets, but maybe...with the last vestige of his magic...he could a soft bed, an eternal slumber but all three of them wrapped up in each other's arms and sleeping off the pain of living.

Together with every other person on this earth, because what right did they have to live if his family died?

What right did they have to exist if he couldn't have his paradise?

They would die, the ground would rip itself open the monsters would soar through the air and rain down destruction onto those who didn't know why their god was punishing him.

It would be a silent destruction...

And...he looked up and stared at the pure smile she giving him.

There was not a trace of malice in her...

She had thought this would make him happy.

Explain some of the things that had been left empty and vague between the both of them?

Dear Ra.

She thought that even though it was her secret, her special book of thoughts that if she shared it with him then perhaps things would get better, even in all her psychosis she still...

...still...

And that was why he loved her.

With a deadly sometimes mad passion.

He loved her.

Because she was who she was, and she would always be that person no matter how clouded things got.

Pretty wife of his standing and looking like a wise old woman in such a small young body.

He held out his hand and she came to him then, her smile widening quite a bit. She sat down in a warm ball next to him and he pulled her even closer pressing his lips to her forehead in a fierce show of possessiveness. The words were dancing around in

his mind but should he ask...?

Dare he ask?

When things were so close to being perfect, so close to being ruined...

What the hell did he have to lose?

Her?

Oh, his lover was already gone and he wouldn't let her hurt herself anymore.

So...so maybe if it meant getting back some semblance of his life...and Yugi would like this...wouldn't he?

"Gia?", a soft sound came to his reply and she pressed herself against him her body warming his so well as only she knew how to...and he sighed, he was going to kill this mood just as soon as he had gotten her to be happy.

"Lover?

...will you...

marry me?",

he waited, breath high and trapped in his lungs, he knew she would leave, he knew she would scream, he knew she would-

But she didn't.

She came even closer, pressing that warm soft body to his own and he felt her form silken and smooth and round in all the right places, and he smiled, she felt so good, wrapped up in his arms and her bare legs tangled in his and brushing against his leather.

Pretty.

Sexy.

...he had missed that as well...perhaps that would come back?

...because he was so very hungry...

But no answer.

Pure silence, no screaming...but no laughter no words, emptiness.

Her pulled himself back and carefully gently pushed her away to look at her, her smile was so wide and pretty, still there not yet gone...her eyes were guarded as they always were...and he couldn't tell if... if she had even heard him, but he didn't much care in a moment, because in a moment she had crawled forward and she was sitting in his lap and brushing away the strands of hair that covered his eyes...and she kissed his forehead...and his lips...

...and curled her form around his own and buried his face into the crook of her neck, letting soft nothings slip past her lips and running her fingers through his hair.

Ra...

...that felt nice.

She hadn't said yes or no, hadn't said anything at all...hadn't even pushed him away, had simply smiled and been nice...

Much nicer than she had been in quite a while...and he had the scars to prove it...

So maybe this...this was all for the best.

So he closed his eyes and ignored the shattered dishes not so far away and the broken furniture, and nuzzled her soft skin and hair and pressed a kiss blooming with longing into her neck...his lover.

His.

No one else's.

His.

And when he was suitably calm and safe and pleased, and so very still she very gently pulled him away from her neck.

His head lolled backwards, eyes closed, hair slightly limp from the day's exertion.

Darn.

...he seemed so much more fragile and soft this way, skin that was honeyed and strong seemed paler, weaker.

He seemed so easily...breakable...

Not fair.

She sighed as she looked at him, she was hurting him and no matter how many times she tried to stop she didn't couldn't.

She only made everything worse...it was all she was good for...

Bad things.

...so why did he stay...?

Why, why, why?

And she didn't know...it really bothered her sometimes...being confused was setting yourself up for someone to hurt you...but...

He didn't hurt her...he snatched away the knife when she wanted to hurt herself...and didn't hate her for throwing dish after dish at him, many smashing against his skin him...he didn't hit her when in trying to subdue her she smashed furniture against

him...he didn't hurt her.

He should.

She was bad.

He should hurt her...because she hurt him.

He should hurt her...

He should!

...that wasn't fair...

She glanced at the torn room and then back at her truest love shaking slightly, she felt like crying...but she couldn't, her diary had said it all.

She couldn't...she just couldn't.

Not anymore.

She couldn't feel anything after all.

She kissed his lips again, hungry and willing, waiting for something to strike her in the motion...

Something to strike her in life, something to make her want to live.

She wanted to feel something, to know that there was something more to this.

But nothing did.

...Nothing ever did.

She smiled and shook her head, she was a fool...and he was too, and Yugi...Yugi was an unfortunate victim.

Such a shame...but these things happened.

Little children lost their mothers all the time, sometimes from the very moment when they were ripped from fleshy wombs.

Death and sadness was everywhere.

She pushed away his bangs and smiling as she stared down at that almost innocent face she whispered the damning words.

"No thank you".

She would never marry him ever again, she couldn't even bring herself to say she loved him, how did he expect her to stay she'd always be with him.

Wouldn't happen...couldn't happen.

But...maybe...

Maybe she could stay here with him, right now right here, and not be bad, but good, and give him all the things he wanted in his dreams.

And with that she curled into her husband again and proceeded to fall into sweet sleep.

* * *

And now for responses, Cecelia I didn't realize that you liked this ficage so much, why don't you leave your email address or IM or something so I can reach you when I get stuck in writing something or need to answer a question, also thank you for reading my other stories.

Everyone else you know I love you for taking the time to read one of my stories, please review.

And if you really liked this please feel free to read my other stories.


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